Coming to Peace With Oneself As a Writer

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It’s only because I’m a holistic doctor I believe I could better explain what to expect to an aspiring writer than how it was explained to me when I attended my first Writer’s Conference.

Sixteen, a classmate and fellow aspiring writer gave me The Writer’s Market for Chrismas and took me to my first Writer’s Conference at Oakland University.  Thank you, Eric H (Hoho).

Though my intention had been to be a novelist life intervened and I started out with nonfiction. 

Beginning in 2011 I released works, interspersing fiction and nonfiction.

I didn’t have any trouble bouncing between the two genres.  My problem circled back to one I’d been facing from the time I was 13 and wrote my first novel.

In a spiral notebook in blue ink.

The dilemma

If I wrote for an audience – to sell – I would be compromising my voice.

How did I get to this awful fork in the road?  Research.

Personal Research

Though I enjoyed reading fiction there was a single genre that put me off even as the stories and characters were fun if not cool.

Especially historical.

Fluff

From the first time someone put a romance novel in my hands …

I was 12 living with my mom and brother in a basement because my parents split and we had no money.

This well-meaning soul thought I might enjoy a break from life

And a break from what I what I was reading at the time – Kane and Abel and other awesome works…

I don’t think this kind woman understood I WAS getting a break by reading this stuff.

And that I’d been reading college level since I was 6.

While I enjoyed the story plots of the romance novels she gave me it was the characters I had issues with.

Like the stupid bodice ripping covers of the era, the characters were cardboard cutouts of reality.

A Turning Point

I remember how this lovely woman reacted when, after asking how I liked the stories, I responded

“When I become a writer I’m not going to write women as brainless twits.”

She laughed.

She also tried to explain the stuff I was reading was escapism.

Key Word:  Tried.

I told her all fiction is escapism and I preferred stories that painted characters – especially women – more realistically.

 The Cabinet

Instead of telling me I was too young to understand or trying to tell me why I was wrong

Or trying to dissuade me from my dreams of being a novelist

This woman took me to a room in her basement

Stage left: Irony

This lovely woman was a close family friend of the neighbor whose basement we were living in.

She opened a rather tall cabinet containing a lot of romance novels.

She suggested I might like what was in there.

In other words, keep reading – if not keep living and don’t give up on your dreams because your young life was yet again pushed off the rails.

I went through the entire cabinet in a period of 3 or so months (all the while living in that basement) and weirdly enough decided if this was what was published it must be what people wanted to read.

So Here We Are

“…in the backwater overflow…” – Catch and Release, Silversun Pickups

The genre has evolved but what never changed was my desire to balance what I want to give readers with my view of how characters – especially females – should be.

Strong, independependent and educated either by life or some formal way such as military or secondary/higher education.

As I’m working through my Dragon Core project I’m reminded of this battle of wills.

A battle I can finally – having come into myself as a writer – address.

To my satisfaction. As a writer.

Stay tuned

Manifesting 101: Feelings Not Required

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For whatever reason while on my morning walk a former colleague popped into my mind.  A quick perusal down memory lane gave rise to a stunning – in terms of manifefsting goals – realization

While feelings can help the process they are not necessary to achieve the goal.

A Story to Illustrate

Hey, I’m an author

As I thought of the toxic environment we worked in

Though he was in a different department

Another thought came to mind

I deserved better.

I knew I did.

As I mentally examined the memories including the LAVC I managed

Though I didn’t have the title or salary to match the work I was doing

I gained clarity on the thought I deserved better.

I really did believe it in spite of the fact I didn’t feel it.  

Or maybe in this situation belief is feeling.

Before continuing I will point out a few realities

  • The environment I was working in was incredibly toxic
  • I was significantly underpaid for the work I was doing
  • While some of my colleagues treated me with great respect, others were resentful and/or disrespectful

Even as I put up with a lot I knew I deserved better.

I didn’t think about it or try to tell myself this was true, I just knew.

I didn’t have many opportunities to see examples of women being treated fairly or with respect. 

I saw female colleagues in senior positions treated with the same disrespect and consistently saw women making significantly less for doing the same exact work a male counterpart was doing.

In spite of this I knew I deserved better.

Knowledge = Feelings?

In terms of potential action yes.

Even though my feelings were on the side of the spectrum associated with low self-esteem and self-doubt I acted from the belief I deserved better.

Or maybe it was boredom.

It got to a point where I tuned out the noise around me and set about finding tasks that challenged me.

Working in tech there’s always an opportunity for this, a good part of the reason I enjoyed that industry.

  • I self-taught the skills necessary for managing the LAVC

Which earned my colleagues’ gratitude since they no longer had to.

  • I self-taught hardware and software skills.

Building computers from spare parts in an old closet full of “junk” which earned my colleagues’ gratitude since I cleaned it out over a weekend. **

  • I volunteered to test new hardware and software

Which gained the gratitude of contacts in the corporate divisions I was later able to tap for help with customers.

My efforts got the attention of a top sales rep.

Had all sorts of awards  in his cubicle.

He began asking me to do various tasks for his customers.

Helping me gain experience.

One Fateful Day

Burned in memory.

This rep who became a mentor asked if I would be willing to go to a customer to do a NIC installation.

NIC = Network Interface Card.

I was one of the few who knew network interoperability – both hardware and software – for multiple operating systems, including competitor systems.

Thanks to all that work I’d been doing on my own time – working lunchtimes, nights, and weekends for months upon months.

I went on what turned out to be one of the most terrifying yet most successful professional experiences of my life.

An entire college class crammed into 5 or so hours.

Turning Point

After colleagues realized I could go on customer visits to do hardware and software installations

And complex tasks on production systems without bringing them down

I was tagged for numerous projects ranging from cusomter visits to writing the answers for high-level proposals.

Those contacts I made in the divisions were always happy to help validate my answers before the proposal was turned over to the customer.

You Scratch My Back

My involving division peeps in real customer wins meant their review scores went up.

As did their post-review raises.

My division experiences went from “Who are you and why am I talking to you?” to “Hey, Elizabeth, would you be willing to test…?”

And so it went that my knowledge I deserved better spurred actions that enabled me to manifest my goal of becoming a senior technology consultant.

I even advised then GM CEO, Rick Wagoner.

Who silenced a competitor in a meeting so he could listen to my counsel – a personal career high point.

What I came to understand from my morning musings is even if you don’t feel emotions associated with manifested goals you can still attain the goal.

Apparently, actions speak loudest of all.

** I had the company CEO come upon me one Friday – after work hours when all my colleagues had bailed – many by 2pm – to find me building a computer from spare parts and altering it so it supported the latest OS.

In spite of the fact my kluged computer was several generations earlier.

I didn’t know it was the CEO.  

We had a great conversation and years later – after I was finally given the title – I was recoginized by him – for something else entirely – in the company newspaper.

Note: I got a new manager who appreciated my attitude and approach and began sending me to formalized training including a grad course at Carnegie Mellon – another career high point. I went on to gain a number of certifications and have a tremendously successful career as a tech consulant.

Manifesting 101: Time to Travel

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In his book I’m Rich Beyond My Wildest Dreams I am I am I am Thomas Pauley suggests adding the line (paraphrasing here) It is seeking me as I am seeking it when writing your goals.

The idea being what you want is attracting you as you are attracting it.  

I recently saw this in action.

As a novelist one of the first decisions I make after deciding on a plot and the characters is setting.  As part of my selection process I take into consideration whether or not I’ve been to the area I’m considering.

If not then I consisder whether I’ve been to a place close or in some other way similar location.

In the case of my Dragon Core series it wasn’t just deciding between Seattle and New Orleans it was deciding on the setting within the setting.

I lived in New Orleans but so long ago I didn’t feel I could do it justice.

When it came to Aesop’s Cove I had the perfect location in mind as a “stand-in.”

I planned on having it as a place I could go work at so I could really soak up the vibe for the story.

Excited to have this ironed out I went with hubby for a celebratory lunch only to learn we’d shown up on the last day.

I remember staring at the waitress in shock as she told me they were going out of business.

Timing

What are the chances?

She brought the boss over after I explained why we were there.  He was polite but strained.

No wonder.

Though I was ready to go forward with the story I knew I had to find a suitable place as a stand-in for Aesop’s.

To serve as a place to go when I needed an energy tune-up during times of writing fatigue.

Weeks turned to months and I could not find a suitable location.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Waterfront

For a variety of reasons including serious career burnout I took time off from writing.

A lot of time.

During this time I focused on self-care.

A lot of walking.

As I walked I sorted through challenges, mysteries, and solutions to those mysteries.

Many of those mysteries related to manifesting goals.

What I didn’t do was focus on the challenge of finding a suitable location to be a stand-in for such an important plot element.

I just kept walking and “not” thinking.

One day I decided to try to get a bit of work done.  At the time I was more thrilled with the idea I’d be able to do a bit of writing than where. As a result I gave little thought before slipping into a local haunt and sitting down to work.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

It had been some time since I’d been there.

Thank you Covid lockdown.

On some of these occasions I struck up conversations with visitors either local or not.  While I occasionally mentioned what I was doing more often than not I just enjoyed listening to their stories.

I love hearing people’s stories.

I continued this trend and came to see the location was becoming key in my recovery from burnout.

Likely because while I was working there I didn’t associate it with work.

I associated it with relaxing and the opportunity for spontaneous conversation.

I tuned into the music playing, the conversations.

Conversations that took my mind off my troubles.

And then it hit me.  I’d found my Aesop’s.

It only took about a year of not looking for it.

On a recent walk I pondered the mystery of how this happened.  I’d been in that place before burnout and never considered it a suitable stand-in for the Cove.  No sooner had that thought surfaced then Pauley’s words came to mind.

It is seeking me as I am seeking it.

During the time away from writing due to events beyond anyone’s control the place underwent a shift.

Thank you Covid shutdown.

I came to understand that as I was changing through my focus on self-care and health and wellness the location and its employees were also changing.  By the time I circled back around it had become what I needed.

The Lesson  

If only I had changed or only that location had changed it’s doubtful I would have found it to be a suitable stand-in.  It’s because we were both pulling mutual energy for the same or similar goal that I was able to manifest what I needed.

One of the bigger changes was that they wanted to be more than just a place to hangout.  They wanted to serve their diverse customers’ needs in ways I feel is friendlier.

Warmer, more inviting.

More like how I pictured Aesop’s Cove.

In coming to understand this need for transformtive change not just in myself but in some other aspect of the goal I found myself relaxing about a key element in the manifestation game.

Time

I’m more relaxed about how long the goal may take to manifest because I now truly understand it won’t til things are in place.

And that may take time.

New Feature – Author Fav’s

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Hello and Happy April Fools Day! In the midst of a project and decided to add a fun new feature to my website.

To bring a smile to readers and visitors.

Author Favorites

As part of this new feature I will be sharing some of my favorite scenes from various books.

Adding color commentary.

For the inaugural post I’m sharing a scene from Shadow of the Gods.

Note:  For this scene I put myself in the mind of Mica – the line she’s walking – being in love with a shape shifter – having to hide this from her family.

How many of us have had to hide the one they were with from those who might not understand?

– and the funny and sometimes maddening situations she’s put in because of it.

It’s not like she can say “Hey, mom, dad…guess who’s coming to dinner …?”

Without further ado…

She is Mica

She chatted with the West Coast raven shifter for a few more minutes before hanging up and resuming her pacing.  Too much going through her mind.  Too much loose energy and damn if academics no longer served as a conduit for discharging it.

“Mica?”

She whirled.  It was no mystery she hadn’t heard him but she couldn’t help wondering how long he’d been there watching her.  “Hello, Cayden.”  She stepped over to the window and into his embrace.  He’d just opened his mouth to her when the door to her bedroom was thrown open.

Mica spun around.  “Joe.”

For several moments her brother stared.  “Tell me you weren’t just kissing a bird.”

It was all she could do not to laugh.

“It was like that Stevie Nicks album cover, right?  But you weren’t kissing it.”

“What do you need, Joe?”

I Get Every Season – But Why Now?

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Growing up with Hippie parents – not to mention LIVING through some of the times in question – child that I was – gives a unique perspective on life.

The gift that keeps on giving.

To Every Season

Turn Turn Turn

Dragon Core

For whatever reason I stumbled when trying to find the vibe for Aesop’s Cove.

The heartbeat of Dragon Core

I wanted – needed – to sit in a place that felt like the Seattle centerpiece of the series. 

To bask in vibes I could wear as I wrote.

No Dice

Damn Goldilocks

Like other Creatives the Muse is in charge

For years I traveled to and visited venues in and around the Seattle Metro Area

Dive bars, places that landed in one periodical or another…

Disrupting various lives – including my own – in search of the physical embodiment of of what I lived while writing those scenes.

Like I said – the Muse is in charge.

Turn turn turn

Unable to find the right locale [read vibe] I forged a way through a path of pain and uncertainty.

I couldn’t write until I had the soul pieces in place.

Muse again ya?

Turn turn turn

Enter Covid

The path forced me to take a break.

Or was it the Muse?

Turn turn turn

And so it came to pass that while I healed the world healed and – changed.

The one constant right?

One day I ventured to a place I’d been to but never thought of as a possibility for the Aesop’s Cove vibe.  Lo and behold they’d evolved and the locale was now a solid physical option to wrap myself in the vibe.

Weirdly Enough

On the other side of the post Covid energy evolution …

I stopped by the place that had been a place holder for Aesop’s Cove only to find I no longer connected to it.

Still wrestling with that and what it means

Circle Back

A tool I use in my writing

Years ago I asked an engineer friend of mine living in A2 whether – when we move – do we change or does what we left behind change?  His answer?  Both

Which at the time was totally irritating.

I now understand what my friend was trying to convey.

Relativity revisited.

I couldn’t find my Aesop’s Cove before now because not only did the place not exist I was not ready; something the theory of relativity explains perfectly.

Thanks G3!

And so life happens.

When and as we need it.

Old (Working) Habits Die Hard

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Decided to head to a local place to do a bit of a working lunch.

In addition to good food and good service it has a good vibe.

Unplanned

I wasn’t anticipating that the moment I stepped through the door I would be invited to sit near someone already there.  After a brief reflection – I’d planned on working – I decided perhaps the Universe was sending a message:  Don’t work through lunch – enjoy it.

The patron was a delightful conversationalist.

He left before my lunch arrived.

In his absence I got quite a bit accomplished toward the current project

Messenger of the Gods, a Dragon Core novel.

As I ate I considered the break in an activity I’d been doing since elementary school

Working Lunch

It was the nuns who first suggested we utilize time eating to study or otherwise do schoolwork, going so far as to suggest we learn to eat with our nondominant hand while writing with the other.

Forgoing time outdoors to focus on studies whenever possible.

Long after I left Catholic school I continued the tradition of working through lunch.

Corporate = Right At Home

In some respects corporate success depends on the ability to work through lunch.

I don’t mean lunch meetings.  

Many were the months spent working alongside fellow techies catching up or getting a head start, to the degree it was not only the norm, it was expected.

As were working nights and weekends.

If you wanted a Meets or Exceeds Standards on your review.

When considered in this context I realized that while I enjoyed the break, albeit a temporary one, to try to change such a habit would be to go against something I’ve done for decades.

Probably not worth the energy it would take to undo decades of programming.

Begs the Question

Does it Need to be Changed?

If I thought – or got feedback – the practice was harmful I would definitely be looking to change but given stepping out to a different environment has been tremendously beneficial to my well-being and my career, I have to think that in general, it’s not a bad habit.

One thing I know.  Spontaneity is never dull.

Valentine’s Thank You

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Just taking time to wish readers and visitors a Happy Valentine’s Day and to thank you for all the wonderful support you’ve given over the years.

I feel very fortunate to have had lifelong support for my dream of being a novelist

  • Family

Especially my parents and grandparents

  • Neighbors

Who encouraged my love of reading as well as writing and were ready to discuss books 

  • Teachers

Math and science teachers who took time to discuss universal what-ifs? and others who advised me on how to do proper research or just gave encouragement 

  • Classmates

Including those who weren’t close friends but who were quick with an encouraging word

  • Coworkers 

Some of whom were also aspiring writers and who never tired of listening to me talk of my dream

  • Readers

Without whom this wouldn’t be possible

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

Elizabeth

Project Update

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Hello everyone!  Wanted to provide a quick update on various projects.

After much consideration I’ve decided to decomission Metatron’s Army.  

For details including an audio message from me, click here.

I will be releasing new material in both my Dragon Core and Port Gallatan series.

I’m excited about the new projects and anticipate new material being available by or before autumn.

Stay tuned!

Manifesting 101: Encouragement or Distraction?

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I recently wrote that after deciding to take on a project of some magnitude I began getting messages that could be – and were – considered encouragement from the Universe.  

Each time I felt overwhelmed by the project one of these messages of encouragement would find its way into my awareness.

Life Validating Art?

The articles – scientific in nature – share a theme:  Science is proving what I’ve written about – in fiction.

Coincidence or Not?

Not.

The fiction was simply a way for me to incorporate scientific principles I’d long believed.  The principles existed – in the world of theoretical physics but I wrote the fiction long before I was able to study the principles.

High school teaches classical physics. You generally need to go to college before you can study – in-depth – theoretical physics, quantum mechanics, and associated principles.

I’m finding it a bit of an emotional tangle to see my theories – blended into my fiction – validated by science.

Especially as it’s now availble to the public not just those studying in college.

Bread Crumbs or Distraction?

Each time I felt overwhelmed another piece of the scientific puzzle came across my sphere of awareness.

Another scientific article would be available.

There was a randomness to it all in that some of the pieces would appear in my Apple News feed but be from a magazine I’d never heard of. Others an article on a news site I visit such as the LA or London Times.

One was even in the Wall Street Journal!

As I continued with the project I began to wonder if in writing the themes into the tale I hadn’t been trying to tell myself something.

A suspicion strengthened with every scientific article that appeared.

The suspicion became a distraction as I considered that even in high school – when I wove the tale – I was trying to help myself solve a mystery.

One regarding parallel universes perhaps?

Because I wrote these beliefs into a fiction tale years before I was able to study them in-depth is introducing complexity. It’sn opportunity to explore the principles but it’s also a distraction of epic proportions.

Then and now.

In high school I was constantly challenging math and science teachers on the flaws in what was being taught.  

Classical physics fails to address principles of and associated with quantum physics.

Fortunately, most of my teachers were willing to spare the time – so long as I didn’t bring it up during class – to discuss my theories and hypotheses.

I will forever be grateful to my physics and pre-calc teachers for giving me their time and sharing their beliefs which dovetailed mine beautifully.

And for the patience of my geometry teacher who wasn’t willing to stretch herself but didn’t take it out on my grade.

College was a different story and I happily engaged and sparred with professors – including a music TA – on the world beyond classical physics.

I was also extremely fortunate to intern for Stanley Ovshinsky during which I had many conversations about my theories with he and some of his top researchers.

After which he gave me access to various journals in his scientific library.

And Now?

The science underpinning the story is again becoming a distraction.  While I’m thrilled to see my theories validated, rather than serving as encouragement I’m starting to find the information pulling me away from the project by tempting me to do more research.

And ever more research which means I’ll never get the project finished.

Interpreting Interpreting.

On a philosophical level one could say that perhaps that is what the message is; not that I’m receiving encouragement through validation but that the Universe is nudging me back into research.

Only time will tell.

Stay tuned.

Note:  The latest article to tempt me away from a project that is mentally intense can be found here.

Manifesting 101: Encouragement

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There’s a theory in the world of manifesting efforts that when you put your intention out to the universe and back it up with action aligned with the intention the universe conspires to help you achieve your goal.  While I subscribed to this concept in theory I am now a firm believer.

What are the Chances?

Before I elaborate I’d like to point out that I’m a big Doubting Thomas.  Even after all the amazing experiences I’ve had 

Coincidences I like to call synchronicities 

I withhold judgment until I consider a number of angles, the most important – for me – being What is the statistical likelihood?

What are the chances this exact thing came at the exact moment I needed to see/hear/experience it?

I’m aware of the Reticular Activating System.  I’m not referring to this phenomenon.

I’m talking about examples of the universe conspiring to help me on the path to a goal by providing messages that either help me know I’m on the right path or provide a morale boost when I’m having a tough time continuing.

The encouragement I need when I need it.

It’s About Time

A significant component to the What Are The Chances? test has to do with timing.  What is it about the timing of the message that makes me feel it’s special?  I use this as one of the bigger markers testing validity because it’s likely the same information given at a different time would not be helpful.

Maybe not even acknowledged.

The example I’m about to share is timely indeed.

To provide a bit of context I’ll share that for as long as I can remember I’ve been fascinated by the concept of time.  In particular

  • Time travel
  • Multiple universes in which things turned out differently because decisions made at a point in time were different (i.e. turn left instead of right)

I’ve explored these ideas academically

I’ve had numerous amazing conversations with my physics and math teachers and professors

I’ve explored them through research

Hours in the science library at Stanford while researching for my doctoral thesis

I’ve explored them through my own works

Both fiction and non.

And Now?

I’ve been working on a project that’s turning into quite the time and energy sink.  

To the degree it’s taking a toll.  

Given I’m healing from severe burnout I had to take a long look at what I was doing through the lens of Is this really worth it?

As of last night I was having serious doubts.

While watching something to take my mind off my troubles I thought back to basics.  

So much for taking my mind off things.

If it was meant to be it will happen.  If not, it wasn’t meant to be.

A good maxim to remember when undertaking any manifestation project.

 I sent a mental message to God asking for a sign that would tell me if I should keep going.

I do not want to go back to the land of burnout.

 I went to bed confident at some point in the near future I’d have my answer.  

Jose Silva developed tools to address the concept of feedback from the Universe. Two that come to mind are the Glass of Water Technique and the Video Technique.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

There is an amazing story in Lynn McTaggart’s The Intention Experiments about researchers affecting the past in a positive way.

Has to do with affecting a health outcome before a procedure took place – by praying about it years after it took place.

It’s just one of many examples of the effect of time on manifesting intentions found in her book.

It’s possible that though I hadn’t yet made the request for some sort of validation as to whether I should continue on the project the universe was aware it was coming and was ahead of the game.  I say this because the first message came before I was having any doubts.

The first message came in the form of an article about how our brains are connected to the Universe.  Specifically, our awareness of this connection.

It’s a concept I’ve covered in fiction and nonfiction work.

From the Popular Mechanics Article:  …when you have a heightened state of consciousness, Hameroff explains, it’s because you’re dealing with quantum-level consciousness that is capable of being in all places at the same time. That means your consciousness can connect or entangle with quantum particles outside of your brain—anywhere in the universe, theoretically.

Unfortunately, this piece is subscription only. I couldn’t find it captured elsewhere to share.

When I read the article I was still excited about the project.

I hadn’t gotten to the point of doubt.

This morning when I saw another article that fit perfectly with the project I came to see both were messages from the Universe encouraging me to keep going. I felt the encouragement and after being stunned by the coincidence of it felt better about the project.

The second article?  That time runs forward and backward in materials.

I’ve long felt time is not linear and that it ran in both directions.

Another theme found in my writing.

Wow!

To see science catching up with concepts I’ve known instinctively since childhood is pretty cool.  It’s also something I had to wrap my head around.

It’s quite a feeling to see something you’ve felt to be true –  something you’ve believed – find veracity through science

Like Perspective, Timing is Everything

It isn’t just seeing the science behind the instinctive knowledge it’s the timing – learning of it.  That each article is entwined with my project?  Not a coincidence.

Exactly what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it.

A beautiful perfect thumbs up from the Universe.