Letting Go of Anger

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This morning I was thinking about a couple I know who have overcome adversity without being bitter for what they had to go through.  In point of fact they shower the world and everyone in their sphere with love and joy.  This had me recalling a conversation with a relative.  

Some years back at a family gathering.

“You were never angry like that.”

It was in the context of how individuals may act out their frustrations, might take their anger out on those around them.  

It wasn’t the time or place to get into it but truth was, I had been angry at one point in time.  I just held it inside.  

Source

Long before the Me-Too movement women in business were facing challenges.

In spite of a few bad apples I thrived in a male dominated industry.

I enjoyed a strong working relationship and work friendships with many guys – customers and coworkers – throughout my decades in tech.

I’m still friends with some of them decades later.

Solution

There came a point where I could see the anger I was holding inside was harming me and I did look for solutions. 

  • I read about forgiveness – the anger harms the person more than the one who did the harm.
  • I meditated
  • I read books on the subject
  • I talked to someone from my church

Weirdly, those actions only made me more angry.

What finally worked?

I will never forget the day.

I was pacing my bedroom raging at the injustice and suddenly – for whatever reason – I stopped mid-stomp and said to myself I had a right to be angry.

I was harmed. Anger is a natural response.

It was an epiphany.  

I had a right to be angry?

I stood staring at my dresser for the longest time with the words I have a right to be angry going through my mind on a loop.  And in that moment the anger dissolved.

It was giving myself the right to be angry that enabled me to let everything go and move on with my life.

Maybe sharing this will help someone going through their own challenge with emotions tied to being treated poorly.

Be well.

Hutch Cupboard Memories

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There came a time I felt we would benefit from having a hutch cupboard.  At the same time I wasn’t about to do to my family (kids especially) what was done to me.

Spending hours smelling Tarn-X while cleaning silver my parents got as a wedding gift decades before I was born.

The memory of the noxious fumes will follow me to my grave.

Hutch Reboot

As I glance at the much smaller version we found I considered the irony of further downsizing and how it would detract from the point of what the hutch represents.

Generational continuity.

As it happens I spent part of the day spring organizing.  I can’t call it spring cleaning because a big part of it is simply moving items from one area to another because…

Items will be easier to access when needed.

A lot of thought went into this.

We lose power a lot so putting candles in a particular location makes total sense.

Twiddling Thumbs

As often happens after you do a whirlwind change

Done in one fell swoop.

I found myself staring at the mini-hutch

Hey, if you don’t get one as large as your parents had you won’t be able to put as much “stuff” in it.

Um…

I was mentally arranging how I could further “organize” when it occurred to me if I continued along that path I would soon have a hutch empty of all but a few items.  Most of it would be empty.

Defeats the purpose.

My ancestors brought their life belongings across the ocean in a chest of cedar (so moths wouldn’t eat hand-made items).  Every piece down to the tiniest spoon had a place in our heart.

I knew every story as told from mother to daughter for generations…

If I followed through with the “clean and organized” message being pushed in today’s media I would lose every connection to my ancestors.

My Virgo ways have a limit because love matters more than some media writer’s version of what spring cleaning is about.

The Lesson?

Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

Something my grandmothers said enough I listened and took to heart.

Be well.

To Be Human Adversity is Necessary

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This morning I was reading an article about how Ozempic and its counterparts – available in pill form – will revolutionize weight loss.  As I was reading of the potential global impact of “a pill” a couple thoughts came to mind.

  • In Total Recall we see what life is like when you don’t have to actually live an experience to believe you’ve had it.**
  • Taking a pill without having to do any work is a slippery slope

I think this solution has incredible potential and can transform lives.  I also have concerns that taking a pill without understanding the underlying variables that got a person to the point of Type 2 diabetes means there’s a chance once the person stops taking the medication the variables – likely still a part of their lives – mean they are vulnerable to getting back to square one.

My conclusion?

Overcoming adversity is what makes us grow stronger.  It’s how we – as humans – have evolved throughout the centuries as we faced down existential threats in the form of ice ages, plagues, and more.  

In facing down those threats, finding cooperative ways as a society to overcome, we ensured we lived on stronger and theoretically better.

Overcoming adversity is what makes us human.  Take that away?  What will we be?

Pills and tech solutions can’t fix life if you don’t do the work.

Do the hard stuff.  You’ll thank yourself later.

Be well.

** I recognize athletes and others who use visualization (myself included) successfully tap into the brain’s natural ability to do this.

A Sign Spring is Around the Corner

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This is for A across the pond.

February and March are interesting months and depending where you live in the US confounding because you’re desperately looking for signs of spring and warmer [read better] days to come.

They fainted!

I remember my first house – seeing the daffodils popping up and thinking Mother Nature paid the bill!  Spring has sprung!  And then…

The next morning I was trying my hand with a snow blower so I could get my car out of the drive and get to work.

Never mind the plow doing the subdivision streets made it so I couldn’t get out of my driveway BLEEP. I just wanted to back out of my driveway so I could go to work.

NOTE: The snow blower vibrated so much the nut flew off – landed somewhere in the snow – never found it. Spent the entire time bent over holding the piece together – sprayed the wall of my house with a wall of snow** while bent over holding the thing together.

Can only imagine my neighbors watching – drinking beer and laughing at the fool trying to clear the driveway only to have the HOA plow block her ability to go to work.

I managed to get to work but…

Ginsu Moment

I pulled into my plowed driveway to see my precious daffodils had all fainted – their beautiful flowers laying their flower heads on ice cold snow.  

I thought they were dead.

I should have trusted Mother Nature.

Within 48 hours

Sun shining on snow  

Drove over the crunchy driveway snow to see my precious signs of spring were standing upright

Life knocks us down but then the sun comes out and we stand up again.

** Aaron still laughs at pulling up seeing a wall of snow on the brick of our house that didn’t melt til July along with the fact we never found the nut that flew off into grass covered in 6 inches of snow.

For Better Or Worse: EMF Sensitivity

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Working on my Dragon Core project – thoughts going through my mind.

EMF Sensitivity

Of course.

Not because I’m still sick because of it but because of random circumstance.

Been There Done That

It was after moving to the San Francisco Bay Area in the fall of 2000 I began to experience symptoms I learned were caused by my sensitivity to ultra low and very low EM Frequencies.

Note:  MY sensitivity.  I’ve often liken blaming cell towers for symptoms to blaming an oak tree for being allergic to it.

Not What You’d Think

The theory the San Francisco 49ers’ increased injuries are influenced by their proximity to an electrical substation have made headlines.

Interesting isn’t it that I didn’t get sick until I moved to the San Francisco Bay Area?

For Better or For Worse

What had me ruminating as I work on a fantasy romance series is the fact Aaron and I had only been married a year when we were plunged into the hell of the World of EMF.  A EE he is the one who ultimately figured out what was causing the mysterious and debilitating health symptoms upending my life.  

And together we walked the journey.

Think of that.  Only married a year and having to deal with something unfathomable.

Insult to EMF Injury

Basically the United States is the only country in the world that denies EMF Sensitivity is real.

In other words?  We were on our own.

Over a journey that spans decades Aaron helped me find answers – always ALWAYS believing in me.

Giving me countless hours to validate theories, facts, and remedies I can and have shared with the world.

That’s forever love.

Humiliation Gives Way to Strength

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Working on a novel when a memory from my days in tech surfaced.  A peon I was in a coveted internal training class.

I desperately wanted to be taken seriously, wanted to have the tech company I was working for while taking college classes at night invest in me.

By Your Command

Battlestar Galactica reference.

For days our instructor wrote command codes on a white board after which we typed them in and watched the WizyWig results.

What You See Is What You Get.

My Friend Friday

As it happens on the last day of class – before lunch break – our instructor wrote out a rather lengthy command code.  Exhausted and on autopilot I typed it in, hit Enter.

Oh My

Everything went down.  My initial reaction was confusion.  Then – as if the hounds of hell were in the room laughing – the instructor said, “But don’t hit this command unless you need to do an emergency hard shutdown because it will take the whole system down.”

Cheeks aflame – I’m not exaggerating – I stared out the window thinking I just ended my career.

My boss would hear about it and I’d never be sent to training again and without training I couldn’t advance let alone get any credibility leading to a promotion.

Humiliation Personified

I will never forget 

  • The look of confusion on the instructor’s face when the system didn’t respond
  • The sound of my tablemate’s voice when he leaned close and said “I know what you did.”
  • The instructor from another classroom who came running in to ask “Did you lose -?”

Sink or Swim

I had a decision to make.  Own up to what I did or slink away with the rest of the group as we were told the class was abruptly and irreparably ended.

I could feel the eyes of the my tablemate boring a hole in the left side of my head.

Did I mention I was the only woman in the class and younger than everyone by about 15 years?  Oh, and my boss had to get a special waiver to get me into the class.

My heart thumping hard enough to leap out of my petrified chest I tentatively raised my hand after which I said, “I thought it was another one of your commands so I typed it then hit enter.”

I will never forget the look on her face – like Seriously?

As humiliating as that career moment was it added a bit of rebar in the building of being comfortable – when it comes to career and life mistakes – in my own skin.

I can be proud of the person I see in the mirror in the morning because I know that person tries their best.

And – regardless of mistakes – always has.

Be well

Note: When I told my tech mentor? He roared with laughter then shared moments of career humiliation so I wouldn’t feel quite so awful.

One Writer’s Path

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As I’m starting work on the first fiction project in over a year a few happy memories surfaced.

Writers Are Born

I’ve been telling stories since I could talk.  One of the fonder memories is a neighbor giving me a prayer book for my 1st Communion that had an inscription

To the little girl with a gift for gab.

Backstory

Larry (neighbor) would spend hours playing basketball with me, teaching me to toss it up since I was too young to throw overhand.

Marie (his sister who lived with them) spent hours while I painted her toenails telling me the virtues of reading and how it can enrich your life – discussing such classics as Welcome to the Monkey House.

She paid me for the pedicure.

Pat – a nurse – was at my bedside when I was coming out of the coma after a subdural hematoma.

Apparently, I snapped, “Don’t touch me your hands are cold!”

She later showed me their family room that had multiple bookshelves lined with books.

She invited me to come over and borrow any book any time and to talk about the book.

Ginsu Moment

There was another neighbor who picked up on my passion for reading.

When I was 6.

She invited me to her living room where several bookshelves lined with books awaited.

Thank You 

I took every one of them up on the offer and so have an incredible rich early exposure to reading.

Fiction and non.

Psst – Pass It On

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was my mom passing on a nugget of wisdom her mom gave to her.  Start reading to your kids when they’re in your tummy.  Move on to children’s books but introduce the love of reading from day one.

As someone who spent close to a year volunteering helping kids learn to read …  I left one of my more challenging students with this response when he questioned why it was worth the effort

“Because once you know how to read you’ll never be lonely again.”

Open Letter to Athletes

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I want to thank athletes – high school – collegiate – professional – from the bottom of my heart for making life better.

I was in line to be a US Olympic gymnast til a freak accident did away with that path.

Two years ago I hit a health wall.

Mental physical emotional.

A big part of what got me through was watching sports.

No one wants to see a player injured but every time I see someone hurt, read about an Olympic hopeful looking down the lens of a life changed by a freak accident?** I’m filled with appreciation for the people – including those other than athletes (coaches, assistants, ball boys/girls, medical personnel, refs) – that make it so I have that moment of peace.

Note:  I went to high school with a beautiful woman who ended up working as a cheerleader for the Lions.  When I saw her on TV?  On the sidelines?  A lot came into focus.

Her talking of her dream as we sat next to each other in US Government class. Watching her freezing on the sidelines at high school football games as she twirled a baton. Talking to her the following Monday about how she stood the bitter Michigan cold. All for her dream – a dream realized I witnessed on TV years later.

Numerous times in the past two years I was able to pick myself up because of interviews with athletes telling their stories.

Of overcoming adversity.

Just wanted you to know someone you’ve never met appreciates you in ways you can’t imagine.

Be well.

** Perspective available in The Lover

Validation – Later Better Than Never

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Couple of days ago I read about the effects of EMFs on the San Francisco 49ers.  

Something I’ve lived, ate, slept and drank since winter 2000.

They interviewed someone who says he’s studied it.  

Did he live it?

I spent close to 3 decades doing the devil’s dance with the hell of being affected by EMF Sensitivity.  It changes you to the point you no longer recognize the person you see in the mirror.

Validation

Months back reconnected with a guy I reached out to before publishing my work. A fellow PhD I consulted on the angle of chem V physics.

Chem ain’t my strong suit.

 Thanks to the time he gave as I paced my lawn and driveway – sick as a dog – mere feet from a fault line?  

Riding the Waves was born.

Aaron and I sat with him – he and I acknowledging life can kick you to the curb as my mentor would say.  

I’ll never forget meeting his gaze – this EMF Sensitivity mentor – validating I’d been run over by a truck I didn’t get the plate of.

Telling me in his way he’d been there too.

When I saw the articles on the effects of EMFs on NFL athletes?  

Yep.

Been there.  Done that.

Lived it.

As opposed to studying something you never experienced.

And you call yourself an expert.

Revisiting Joy

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Taking a music break after 5 plus hours on a manuscript.  Mentioned before but I prefer the sound quality of YouTube Videos over Apple iTunes mp3s.

Yo Apple – wake up.

I rotate through depending on mood. The one I was watching is special.  

Note:  I have a photographic memory so even as I watch and enjoy the video there is a visual overlay of my younger self along with reliving the moment psychologically and emotionally.

I was in a skirted suit, stocking’d leg tucked beneath a knee while I ate room service burger and pickle.

Perspective

Is Everything

An international supply chain and network interoperability expert, I spent years flying around, often getting to a hotel long past dinner. By the time I got to my hotel at night – with early morning meetings scheduled? – I was exhausted and flipping through channels to see what might serve.  In this case?  Electric Dreams.

Better than when I rolled into DC during the Tanya Harding and Lorena Bobbitt hoopla.

The plot was so-so but I loved the music and certain scenes wherein the music was played.

What makes it of value is the light-hearted back view of a time that was incredibly stressful.

Sometimes it’s better to look back and smile than look forward and frown.

Because of the unknown.

Find the joy wherever it is which doesn’t have to be in the present moment.