As with so many, the fallout from the pandemic spurred me into taking what action I could to ease suffering – at personal expense.
Serious mental, emotional, and eventually physical burn-out.
Hitting a wall I elected to do something that would have appalled my corporate self.
Gasp! Self-Care
To put in perspective, my primary influences growing up came from the Greatest Generation.
World War II Vets and war brides.
You didn’t complain.
Grit and heart and self-sacrifice for the greater good won the day.
This is the philosophy that underpinned my decades as a woman in the male dominated field of tech.
Eons before the Me-Too movement.
The idea of self-care was akin to betrayal.
Selfish!
And so it went.
By the end of 2022 even I was coming to see if I didn’t do something my health was going to deteriorate to the point I couldn’t recover.
Okay, so Now What?
I didn’t make the decision for self-care so much as God made it for me.
My life literally ground to a halt and I wound up in the ER.
In the days that followed it occurred to me that in order to heal I would have to sacrifice something that was an indelible part of my life.
My writing career.
When I wound up in the ER a second time after a test result came back suspicious I knew that in spite of the fact I’d wanted to be a writer from the time I was three, trying to pull up energy reserves to continue might be dire indeed.
Nothing like waking to a call at 7am telling you to get to the hospital immediately because of a number on a blood draw.
A Warning.
The follow-up tests showed I was fine.
Thank God.
I raised the white flag and informed my family that for the foreseeable future I would no longer be writing.
Or doing anything that would take precious energy needed for my recovery.
Selfish.
But first I had to get past the philosophy that putting myself first was selfish.
Thank God for the more modern philosophy that points out – wisely – if you aren’t there for yourself you can’t be there for those you love let alone anyone else.
Repeat after me: Self-care is NOT being selfish!
I spent months focused on recovery even as I tried to be there for those who needed me.
I’m grateful for family and friends who were there for me when they too were trying to pick up their lives from various – and not always Covid related – challenges.
Part of self-care included daily walks.
Starting at a little under 2 I was soon walking 6 miles a day 7 days a week.
For months the only thought I could identify was “What was the license number of that truck?”
Anything deeper got me into a world of hurt.
Extended members of the family were a bit disconcerted.
“What’s with -?”
Giving the most basic of answers I put my head down and foot to the pavement.
Walking cold or heat, rain, sleet, or shine.
It was months before I could muster up the energy to utter – even mentally – the all-important follow-on question.
What’s Next?
I knew I wasn’t going back to corporate.
Hell I wasn’t healthy enough to do much – outside walking – but sit my butt on a couch. I couldn’t commit to an employer let alone a customer!
Is that a Ray of – SUN?
Or is it hope?
One day while walking I considered that I really did want to write again.
It’s all I’d ever dreamed of doing from the time I was 3.
I also knew I was in no condition to even try.
The mere thought caused serious mental pain.
It was out of my hands.
I turned it over to God.
I also acknowledged that I may never be able to go back to writing.
Though that rubbed against another philosophy I was raised with which was God never put a dream in your heart He didn’t give you the means to achieve.
It’s a weird place living in the twilight of a dream shredded beyond recognition.
You’re so tangled in the confusion and pain of the idea of never again doing something you loved – that had been living inside of you since you could first put crayon to construction paper – you can’t give voice to the fear
The horror.
Not even to those who love you and want you to not hurt.
I couldn’t voice the fear even as I was willing to give it up forever if that’s what it took to make me whole again.
A Way Forward.
It’s early in the process and I’m taking it in baby steps but I intend to resurrect my dream.
As God wills it as my dear cousin likes to say.
I intend to tap the dream to be a writer to follow my passion.
Making the world a better place.
Stay tuned.
Elizabeth Maxim 